For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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