I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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