dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
