i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
