in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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