Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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