i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
