I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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