ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
