dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
