If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
