I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
