I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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