Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
