I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
