her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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