I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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