LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
