Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
