FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
