just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
