Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
