My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
