If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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