He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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