I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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