Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
