i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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