Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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