i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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