So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
we're so committed to being not committed
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
