Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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