the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
