Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
