I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
