Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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