Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
