I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
