2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Your dad touched me again.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
