I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Randomize
