shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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