Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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