It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
