my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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