Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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