Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
