Say something about gay babies.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
