i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
