ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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