You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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