well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
