the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
