You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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