You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My ass is underappreciated
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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