It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just want nice things and good sex
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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