the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
it's like iHOP with fire
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
